Archive

Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Maybe yes, maybe no, or maybe just maybe…?

21/08/2013 3 comments

questionWords are powerful, and none more so than YES and NO. Are you using them powerfully in your life? In your work, friendships and relationships, what are you saying YES and NO to?

Do you say YES to honest self-expression, healthy boundaries and authentic interaction? Or do you say YES to more work, more care-taking, more compromises and more stress?

Do you say NO to disrespect, manipulation and being taken for granted? Or do you say NO to opportunity, daring adventure, fulfillment and growth?

What we say YES and NO to determines how much support, guidance, love, money, ease and success we can have—from our partner, from others, from strangers and from the universe. It’s a direct reflection of what we think we deserve and what we allow ourselves to receive, as a result. If we’re saying YES to lots of unhealthy dynamics, the universe will respect our choice to not put ourselves first (in healthy ways). It will acknowledge our message of ‘non-deservability’ and it will hold off on all deliveries of good stuff until we make it clear, through our healthy choices and behaviour, that we’re open to receiving again.

But don’t just take my word for it. Try it for yourself and see what happens. Say YES to one new thing in your life today—something healthy, positive or wonderful that you’ve never said YES to before. And say NO to one new thing in your life today—something you’ve never dared say NO to before, even though it would be healthy, positive and powerful for you to do so.

And let me know what happens.

Yes? No? Maybe? Hey, you decide.

Advertisements

Righteously religious …or mightily misguided?

26/02/2012 1 comment

A young woman called Lola contacted me recently for help with a religious dilemma. She was a ‘non-practising Catholic’ and desperately wanted to marry her ex-boyfriend, who happened to be a Jew. They had broken up because of the religious mis-match and she wanted help in trying to win him back. Lola was willing to convert to Judaism and would do anything to prove that she could be a good Jew. How could she get him to believe her? What could she do to convince him that religion would not be an issue if she converted to his faith?

The problem with religion is that it’s divisive. It separates people into different categories, rather than bringing them all together as one and the same. It forces people to accept certain dogmas, rules and rituals …if they want to be part of the club. And it tells them what to believe rather than helping them to explore their own spiritual selves, forcing them to be judgemental of themselves and others. More importantly, it forces people to choose—resulting in the kind of lose-lose choice that Lola felt forced to make. If I choose this man, I must become a Jew. If I don’t convert to Judaism, I lose this man. Going deeper still, it means: if I choose this man, I lose a part of myself; if I become a Jew, I compromise my values, my independence and my personal freedom. There’s no room here for me to change my mind later; my kids will be brought up Jewish, even if I decide I can’t handle it.

So I asked her if she really wanted to marry a man who made these kinds of conditions and demands. Could she unconditionally love someone who did not unconditionally love and accept her? Was she willing to give up her personal autonomy—her right to choose whatever she might subsequently choose to do or be, in any area of her life, in the future? Was she willing to distort herself to fulfill what this man considered to be a necessary role?

A relationship founded on this kind of unhealthy compromise can never be truly loving, trusting or committed, since all such compromises ultimately require a distortion of the self, which creates resentment. It would be shaped and controlled by an outside force, in the form of religion, and Lola would be monitored for her adherence and commitment to the Jewish faith. She would need to constantly demonstrate her conformity and would likely find herself saying yes when she wanted to say no, going along with rituals and ceremonies that had no real meaning for her, and generally suppressing whatever feelings she might have along the way that might jeopardize her ‘right’ to stay married to her chosen partner.

If religion requires this kind of sacrifice and if it doesn’t bring us together in love and unity, surely there’s something wrong with it. And why should anyone be expected to take on another’s beliefs, when our connection to God (or whatever we might choose to believe in) is a purely personal, private matter? Why should we care what others believe in, provided we live by our own healthy values and respectfully allow others to do the same? How can any faith be threatened, if faith exists inside each individual and is the one thing that no one can take away from them? Does it matter to you that I eat brown bread instead of white, prefer yoga to tai chi, support a different football team, or believe in me more than in a priest/minister/rabbi…? How does it benefit you if I believe exactly what you believe, rather than being true to myself? Being true to me is precisely what makes me reliable and trustworthy, since I won’t be swayed by others telling me what to do. And personal autonomy is the key to empowerment and fulfillment (not to mention democracy), since anything else is control.

So if you’re ever faced with a situation like Lola’s, ask yourself this: Is it really about religion/your football team/politics/vegetarianism? What are you really afraid of, if your partner doesn’t share your beliefs? Is it him/her you’re afraid of losing control over or it is you? And if you’re not in charge of your own beliefs, who is?

Beyond the demi-truths of our dysfunction

09/01/2012 4 comments

When Demi Moore spoke about her fear of being unlovable and how betrayed she felt by her body, she got people’s attention (The Vancouver Sun, 5 January 2012). Women all over the globe were nodding in sympathy and agreement, knowing exactly how she felt because that’s how they felt too. Some felt relieved because it meant they were not the only ones to feel this way. But others felt much worse: if a beautiful, talented celebrity felt that way, what hope was there for ordinary people like them?

Yet what Moore is experiencing is a classic case of negative subconscious programming that has resulted in low self-worth, which has caused her to attract relationships that trigger, reflect and confirm her perceived unlovability. What she doesn’t seem to realize is that her subconscious programming is the only thing that needs to be addressed; she herself is absolutely lovable and deserving of love (and I personally think she’s wonderful). Even though she might intellectually know this to be true, however, her subconscious believes otherwise. And for as long as her negative subconscious programming is running the show (as it has been, up to now), she will keep attracting partners who fail to give her the kind of love that she seeks—despite her keen awareness of the issues. It doesn’t matter what I or millions of others might think about her, or even what Ashton Kutcher might think; it’s what she thinks of herself subconsciously—and demonstrates in her words/actions—that determines how much love she can attract, let in and hold on to.

The key to breaking this kind of frustrating cycle is to understand and work with the following seven principles:

1. Our subconscious is very magnetic and it causes us to attract very particular people, partners, challenges and circumstances, in accordance with how it has been programmed.

2. We have all been negatively programmed at the subconscious level—with negative beliefs, fears, guilt, expectations and low self-worth that leave us diminished, distorted, dysfunctional and disempowered. As a result, we compromise, have weak personal boundaries, are needy/insecure, and reject/deny/condemn ourselves in countless everyday ways.

3. A key component of our programming relates to our ‘missing pieces’—essential formative qualities, such as acceptance, trust, respect and validation, that we needed as children, in order to be complete, but failed to get. Filling in these missing pieces is the key to creating the love and the life we want.

4. Our missing pieces cause us to attract partners with the same missing pieces as us, which means they’re unable to give us what we’ve been missing and seeking all along; only we can fill in our own missing pieces and we must do so in practical ways, making ourselves emotionally complete so that we then attract a similarly complete partner.

5. Filling in our missing pieces means saying and doing things that DEMONSTRATE healthy self-worth, self-acceptance, self-respect and self-expression in our daily lives. It’s not enough to think positively or to have good intentions; it’s what we do and say to demonstrate our innate deservability (not what we think, feel, intend or believe) that changes our negative programming and then brings us what we’ve been missing all along.

6. Anything that’s not working in our lives—relationships, finances, career, health—is a direct reflection of the parts of our negative programming that are asking to be addressed; every challenge we face is a call to empowerment, in the context of our own particular programming and missing pieces.

7. Our programming is the very thing that gets in the way of us realizing that it’s the very thing that’s getting in our way. Transforming our negative programming in practical ways is the most powerful, effective way to create what we want.

So, rather than telling the world how unlovable she feels, Demi Moore could set a powerful example for others by getting down to the deeper truth of her dilemma—and by filling in her missing pieces so that she starts to attract the kind of partner she really wants and deserves.

She might also want to consider the fact that our bodies send us messages when we fail to honour them or respect their needs, thereby creating distress or rapid degeneration. If we’re feeling betrayed by our body, then, it’s almost always because our negative programming has prompted us to make emotional, physical or nutritional compromises in the hope of acceptance or approval from others—which means that we betray our body in numerous ways. We say yes when we want to say no; we over-extend ourselves, in the hope of recognition; we become pleasers, in the hope that others will love us in return; and we make others’ needs or feelings more important than ours, rarely putting ourselves first in healthy, unconditional ways. Understanding and heeding the body’s messages is another way of connecting with the deeper truth about ourselves—and cancelling out the negative programming that has been covering it up.

Let’s hope that the new programme that Moore will be co-producing later this year on cable TV—The Conversation—will reveal the bigger picture of empowerment, and not just the demi-truths of our dysfunction.

For a FREE e-book on how to identify and fill in your missing pieces in practical ways, please e-mail olga@olgasheean.com. For more on empowerment and the science of human dynamics, see www.olgasheean.com

Getting to the core of love

We spend a lot of time and energy seeking love in our lives. We may be looking for acceptance from a partner or approval from a parent; we may be hoping to succeed at a job interview or to win the respect of our peers; or we may be looking for support from our friends or help with some heartache. But all of these things are a form of love, and the need for this love drives almost everything we do.

Yet in relating to our partner, parent, boss or friends, we often send them very self-defeating messages. In our need for love lies our subconscious belief that we don’t deserve it. And in our attempts to appear lovable or acceptable to others, we trip over ourselves telling them how inadequate we are. I know I look fat in this dress. I’m really stupid when it comes to maths. I’m never going to get this right. I don’t earn enough money. I’m a hopeless dancer. I hate my legs—they’re full of cellulite. My hair’s a mess. I’ve got SO many wrinkles. I look ancient… What man/woman is going to want this??

We invalidate ourselves daily and we’ve got an arsenal of disclaimers to pre-empt the possible—and anticipated—criticisms of others. We so desperately want others to like/love/accept us that we allow them to define us—and we help them along by listing all our flaws and shortcomings. We give them rights to us—the right to determine how lovable we are; the right to determine how we feel about ourselves; and the right to treat us the way they think we should be treated. Yet we’re entitled to love and we must take ownership of our rights.

When we subconsciously believe ourselves to be unlovable, we prevent others from loving us. If we want to truly allow others in and to be deeply, unconditionally loved, we must stop rejecting ourselves—before, during and after any kind of interaction. We must reclaim ownership of ourselves and allow ourselves to be loved. It’s a choice, not a judgement. We must realize that we determine just how lovable, acceptable and deserving we are.  We think it’s determined by others who appear to be judging us, but the deeper truth is that our perception of unlovability causes us to attract people who reflect that perception back to us.

Being overweight, financially challenged, clumsy, shy, insecure etc has nothing to do with our lovability. These are merely the outcomes of our belief that we’re unlovable and we use them as excuses to buffer ourselves from being ‘found out’. After all, if someone gets too close, they’re going to discover just how unlovable we really are, right? Or so we often believe.

Yet a lot of our insecurities can generate self-pity—even blame. I’m so upset that he didn’t like me. How could he SAY such a thing?? If only she hadn’t made that nasty comment about me I’d be okay. It’s her fault that I’ve got this whopping headache. Some people are so selfish; they just dump everything on me. Everyone expects me to do all the work around here. We even use others as an excuse for staying stuck. I’m not going out today; I’ve put on so much weight, I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I’m not going to his party; he’s only going to talk about his boring work…

We’re really quite creative in the strategies we devise to hold ourselves back. We hardly need others to help us. But we need to wise up if we truly want to be loved. We must take ourselves seriously if we want to be seen for who we really are. And we must take responsibility for all the people we reject in their bid to reach us. Attracting love is not just about loving yourself more; it’s about choice, ownership, responsibility and entitlement—keys to the core of you.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are you human? Take the test

The Humanity Index

The Humanity Index is a way to gauge your willingness and capacity to be a decent, fully functioning, powerful human being — with a sense of humour and with the magnetism to attract what you want. It will provide a measure of how engaged you are in life, how committed you are to being fully you, and how much you believe in your ability to make a difference.

(If you’re too jaded to fill it out, or if you just can’t find the time because you’ve got 5,000 friends on Facebook, 1.5 million people following you on Twitter, and a dinner date with your pet goldfish, then you might want to consider whether there’s more to life — and you — than this.)

Integrity

-Are you true to yourself—speaking and acting in alignment with your values and beliefs?

Usually-3 Sometimes-2 Rarely-1 Never-0

Compassion

– Do you feel compassion for others and act on it in practical ways, taking time to listen/provide support?

Regularly–3 Occasionally–2 Rarely-1 Never-0

Honesty

-Do you express what’s in your heart and tell the whole story (not just the ‘safe’ bits)?

Often–3 Sometimes–2 Rarely-1 Never-0

Commitment

-Are you fully committed to being the best that you can be, actively doing your utmost to realize your dreams, and to staying healthy, fit and engaged in life?

Always–3 Sometimes–2 Rarely-1 Never-0

Intuition

-Are you connected to your gut instincts and do you trust/act on them in all important decisions?

Always – 3 Sometimes – 2 Rarely -1 Never – 0

Generosity

-Do you give money to support your community and give to the homeless/selected charities, spontaneously and with an open heart?
Regularly – 3 Occasionally – 2 Rarely – 1 Never – 0

Creativity

-Do you explore and engage in creative activities that inspire you and feed your passions?

Regularly–3 Occasionally–2 Rarely–1 Never-0

Friendships

-Do you take time to cultivate friendships, without being needy or a pleaser?
Regularly–3 Occasionally–2 Rarely–1 Never-0

Relationships

-Are your relationships based on trust, respect, healthy self-acceptance and understanding?

Yes–3 Sometimes–2 Rarely–1 Never-0

Self-expression

-Do you openly and confidently express yourself verbally, creatively and in the way you dress?

Regularly – 3 Occasionally – 2 Rarely – 1 Never – 0

Love

-Are you connected to your feelings and fully able to connect with others by expressing and receiving affection and intimacy, and by sharing the deepest parts of you (the good, the bad and the ugly)?

Regularly–3 Occasionally–2 Rarely–1 Never-0

Self-responsibility

-Do you take responsibility for your emotions, reactions, actions and circumstances, regardless of whether others blame bad luck, politicians, the economy or any other ‘outside’ force?

Always–3 Sometimes–2 Rarely-1 Never-0

Your rating on the Humanity Index

If you scored 30-36 points:

You’re almost angelic and an inspiration to humanity. You have exceptional magnetism and can effortlessly attract and create amazing things in life. Consequently, it makes no sense to disperse your energies on things you’re not passionate about; focus instead on what fills you with joy. You are a natural leader and a mentor. You could be using your wisdom and awareness with young people, if you’re not already, and this would bring you great fulfillment. Deepening your emotional and spiritual connection to yourself and to others is likely to be the most rewarding pursuit for you—but don’t forget to include large doses of fun and laughter.

If you scored 18-29 points:

You’re unsure of yourself and your role here on Earth. You blow hot and cold when it comes to personal and/or professional commitment. Because of this, you experience patchy success and fulfillment – attracting some great stuff but also some real downers, which keeps you stuck in unrewarding cycles. You have significant skills and would do well to focus on solidifying your personal boundaries so that you become more fully defined as an individual—and more magnetic, as a result. Avoid making any choices based on fear; say no to anything that feels wrong and only say yes to things or people that feel really good. You would also greatly benefit from exploring your creativity more deeply. (You’ve really only skimmed the surface – being careful and playing ‘safe’.) Delve more deeply, challenge yourself and play more; your creativity is the key to you thriving. Acting, working with children, or being a Big Brother/Sister would also help you to solidify the emotionally wobbly parts of yourself.

If you scored 10-17 points:

You are only partially activated as a human being and have great difficulty attracting or connecting with good stuff in your life. You need to come out of your self-absorbed little shell and start interacting with the rest of humanity. Your magnetism is barely registering, but only because you’ve kept yourself turned down so low. Increase the volume, speak up, show up, dress up, wake up! It’s all up from here, for you. Focus on giving to others and see how it feels when you allow yourself to be generous, present or simply open to being liked. Breathe more and move your body. You’re like an iceberg, with only a tiny percentage of yourself visible or available to others (or yourself). But even icebergs thaw with a little consistent warmth. Get active, join a club, volunteer at your community centre, take up singing—and you just might be surprised (and thrilled) to find that there’s a worthy, lovable human being in there.

If you scored 0-9 points:

Hello? Is there anybody there? HELLO??? Anybody? Mmmmm… I guess not.